You see an attractive woman walking her dog. Or grabbing coffee. Or reading a book in the park.
How do you get from “Wow that is a stranger I would maybe like to get to know better” to having an official, scheduled date with them?
Bridging that gap can be daunting. Especially in person. I mean, that’s why Tinder was invented in the first place, right?
A typical approach with a new woman goes like this…
Walk up to her. Say hello. Introduce yourself. Converse and get to know each other a bit. Maybe make a lighthearted joke. Get her smiling and suggest future plans together. Trade numbers (or Snapchats/Instagrams). Say goodbye and walk away.
That all takes just a couple minutes.
You don’t need to execute those steps perfectly. You don’t need to be the wittiest, most charming, super suave man imaginable. Human connection doesn’t have an exact formula.
But…there are a few crucial concepts that will inspire a woman to want to see you again. You want her to leave the conversation with a positive, lasting memory in her mind. That way she’ll look forward to your future plans and be much more likely to follow through.
Always invite her out even if you think it’s pointless
Sometimes when you meet a woman out in your daily life, you only get to chat for a few moments.
Because the conversation went by so quickly, you don’t bother inviting her out to see her again. You assume that there’s no way she’d be open to the idea in that short timeframe.
You think you didn’t talk to her long enough. You feel you didn’t build enough chemistry or get into more engaging conversation. Maybe you believe you weren’t funny enough.
You have to realize that you don’t need all those things for a woman to be interested in seeing you again! In fact, what gets her enthusiastic to see where things could go is much simpler than that.
She wants to see two things…
- Your self-confidence. The beauty about this is that introducing yourself to her and having the courage to go for her number showcases that. Your actions alone convey that you are confident in who you are. You show her that you’re the kind of leader who goes after what he wants.
- You’re a normal guy. This sounds ridiculous but it’s true. If you can just do the basics of maintaining good eye contact and not rushing through your words, asking questions you’re actually curious about, and holding basic conversation — that will take you far. She’s not expecting you to be flawless or fearless. She just wants to know you can talk to her like a regular person.
Every time you don’t take a shot, there’s literally ZERO chance that anything more will come from the interaction. So stop trying to protect your ego and invite her out.
Start following this absolute rule…
If you talk to any woman you find attractive for more than 1-2 minutes, extend an offer to meet up again.
The worst that could happen is you’d end up in the same position you would’ve been in if you didn’t ask. But either way, you’ll gain more confidence and experience for the next time.
Wait for an emotional high point to invite her out
I want to reiterate that regardless of whether or not you think the conversation went perfectly — you should invite a girl out.
That said, there is a strategic timing element that will improve your odds of getting a yes.
When we’re feeling positive emotions and a strong connection to someone else, we’re more likely to follow their lead. Those feelings overpower our anxiety and hesitation.
So that’s why it’s often best to invite someone out after they experience that “emotional high point”.
That could be her speaking to you with passion or her laughing at something you said. It could be her enthusiasm when asking you questions about yourself. It could be her leaning in closer to open up to you.
All these demonstrate that she’s feeling good and engaged by you. So when you invite her to hang out, that helps give her the courage to take that risk with you.
If you just invite her out when she hasn’t exactly responded positively, you’re at the mercy of how she feels in that moment. Is she comfortable enough to put herself out there?
This is especially useful in those shorter conversations. You talk for a few, hit an emotional high point or two, and within the next couple of minutes — pull the trigger.
Get excited about what you have to offer
When you introduce yourself to a woman, she usually expects you to take the lead and offer something to do together.
As that leader, it’s your job to inspire others to join you with your self-confidence. If you’re unsure about your offer, how is someone else supposed to trust it’s a good idea?
Imagine your team at work has a big product launch coming up. You’re nervous, but also eager because it’s a big moment for you.
What if your team leader came up to you right before the launch and timidly said,
“Do you think we’re ready to do this? Do you think we should launch now?” with a shaky voice and an uncertain expression.
How does that make you feel? Are you going to feel better or worse that this is a good idea? Is he going to make you feel secure in following his lead? No chance.
Now what if he came over and had a sense of vigor? What if he said,
“We’ve been working so hard on this and the time is finally here. I know it’s going to be awesome and I’m so excited to get this launch out.”
How much more reassured would you feel?
The same principles apply to dating. You need to get yourself excited if you want to excite a woman into seeing you again.
You shouldn’t PRETEND to be excited, though. You need to connect with something that gets you fired up. Search for an idea you’re passionate about or that you’d love to share with her.
You can use something you talked about with her as a starting point…
If you talked about food and have a secret favorite Mexican restaurant, “I HAVE to show you this hidden gem AwesomeRestaurant, they make the best tacos ever. We should grab a bite there.”
If you discussed hiking and how you love being outdoors, “You should join me this weekend, I’m going to my favorite trail. It’s a short walk that opens up to this breathtaking view of the lake.”
But even if you don’t have an easy idea to use from your convo, just express what you’re excited to do with HER.
“It’s been really fun making you laugh. We should do this again over drinks.”
“I want to keep hearing your insights on psychology and what makes people tick. Let’s grab a coffee this week.”
Don’t ask for her permission to get her number. She’s not going to get excited about giving her digits to a shy guy. She cares about the possibility of a new experience, not the logistics of exchanging info.
Instead, believe you have something valuable to give and lead with a statement. Tell her what you want to do with her. It’s understood that you’re making a suggestion and she can choose to say yes or no.
Challenge her hesitance on following through
Whenever someone new starts talking to us, we feel a rush of energy and emotions. It’s a very personal and vulnerable experience.
We’re often caught off guard. We don’t know what to say at first. We’re excited about the prospect of meeting someone new but sometimes nervous about holding conversation and presenting ourselves well.
And yes, even the most beautiful women get butterflies, just like you, in those moments.
When you introduce yourself to a woman while she’s going about her daily life, she’s probably not expecting it. Most likely, she’s rarely approached in places other than a bar or party.
When you invite her to do something with you, that piles on even more weight. She feels she has to make a split-second decision when she’s already feeling a little hesitant.
Those high-tension moments activate our fight-or-flight response.
Sometimes, even when we want to logically do something, it’s easier to take the safe option and back out.
When I go out with clients, I’ll see them have seemingly great interactions with women. They’re engaged in each other’s conversation. They’re laughing together. They look present and eager to continue talking.
But when the guy invites her out, she’s hesitant to say yes. She’ll think about her response for a moment. She may dance around giving him a clear answer. She then will sometimes give half-hearted reasons why she can’t give him her number.
I hear stuff like…
“I don’t know…I just met you”, “I’ve never done this before and don’t usually give my number out to strangers”, “Maybe we’ll see each other around sometime..”
Most guys immediately back down, say they understand, and wish them goodbye.
If you do that, you will miss out on a TREMENDOUS amount of connections in your life.
Because that answer isn’t always a real no. It’s the fear of the unknown that pushes her towards that “flight” response.
Obviously, I’m not talking about when women give you a clear, strong verbal “no”. If she tells you she’s not interested, no thanks, or has a boyfriend — you should listen.
But a good amount of the time, a woman will kind of waffle around her decision. That’s when you want to nudge things forward once more.
It’s like sales…
I have people who come to me after reading my work for years. They have a problem they deeply want to solve and I’m the means to do so.
We’ll have a great call and when I talk about our next steps together, occasionally they’ll be nervous to move forward. They’ll say they’re still not sure and want to wait a little longer before starting.
Now I never try to push or manipulate anyone into working with me. I loathe that type of sales. I do understand, though, that a lot of their hesitation stems from anxiety. Committing to work on themselves is scary and it requires that they take a big leap of faith with me.
If I just let that be the final word, I would have a LOT less clients over the years.
Instead, I show them that I’m excited about helping them hit their goals. I reassure them that I’ll be there to support them through the journey. I joke around to ease some of their tension and tell them it’s normal to want to take time to think about things.
And if they’re truly not ready to commit by then, I’ll shoot them a follow-up email in a couple days reinforcing how confident I am that we can do great things together. Often I won’t even get the chance, though, because they’ve already emailed me before then to say they want to move forward.
My point is, nudging them just a little results in about 9/10 of those people working with me. Those who still don’t, I am completely fine with and respect their wishes.
So if you’re facing the same situation with a woman you just met…
Don’t simply throw your hands up — instead challenge that hesitance one time.
That doesn’t mean you should try to pressure her. You shouldn’t try to intimidate her. You shouldn’t beg for her to give you a chance. You shouldn’t try to convince her with the reasons for why she should say yes.
Those strategies are either manipulative or trying to solve an emotional problem with logic.
Just like my clients, she’s experiencing anxiety which is an emotional response. Your best option is to embrace your enthusiasm, humor, or confidence and hope that it will help her feel the same way. She needs to replace her fear with those empowering, positive emotions.
For specific examples on how to do this, read my article on leadership here.
Don’t walk away so quickly and act defeated
When I observe men in interactions, I’m often surprised by how poor their “goodbyes” are. It usually goes something like this…
As soon as the conversation fizzles, they’re immediately showing that they’re ready to get out of there as soon as possible.
They avert their eyes. They turn their body language away. They rush to get their last words out and finish saying them as they’re turning and walking off.
What kind of impression does that leave a girl with? Do you want her last memory of you to feel cold, distant, and awkward?
If she gave you her number, then your abrupt exit would make her feel like that was all that you wanted. You’re reinforcing that getting her number was your sole purpose of talking to her, instead of creating a connection. You cheapen the experience the two of you just had.
It also makes you come off as super nervous and unconfident after she was excited about your future plans.
Even if you get turned down for a number, you still shouldn’t run away as quickly as possible. I know, in your head, you want to leave as quickly as possible because you don’t want to overstay your welcome. You might think that because she turned you down, she’s bothered or turned off by you.
In reality, she’s just probably not interested or available. That doesn’t mean she hates your guts and wants you leave immediately.
In fact, women will often be flattered or have their day brightened by someone politely engaging them and showing interest. But when you display shameful body language and try to escape, you’ll never see that good response from her. If you can handle her turning you down gracefully, she’ll likely leave that interaction with positive feelings.
Your body language and demeanor reinforces to your subconscious that you did something wrong. You tell yourself you should be embarrassed and ashamed of what you did. This only makes it harder to introduce yourself to more women in the future.
Whether you get a number or not, you need to slow down your exit. Stay in the conversation for at least 10-15 seconds. Face her with your head held high, make good eye contact, and tell her you had a great time talking to her, either way.
If you got her number, you can continue chatting for a few minutes if it’s going well. Then let her know you’re excited to hang out again and you’ll hit her up. If you didn’t, smile and let her know it’s no problem. Tell her you still enjoyed the conversation and wish her a wonderful day.
Only then you’ll see how many women will genuinely smile back and tell you they enjoyed it, too. Those reference experiences will strip away your limiting belief that talking to women is unhealthy.